Thursday, May 21, 2009
oh...when naps were a luxury!
I wish I could say today was a better day. I have never in my ife experienced what I'm experienceing now on an emotional level. We all go through tough times and may deal with a case of the "blues". Perfectly normal. In fact if you DIDN'T have the "blues" now and then when your life was challenging then something is wrong. This is more than the "blues". I find myself in a very dark place emotionally. It's just too much to deal with at one time. The MS, the hearing and now the full time chair. I think part of the reason I find myself in such a dark place emotionally is because this exacerbation not only caught me off guard with it's presence, but also the severity. I had never been hospitalized due to an MS exacerbation, let alone go through rehab. I really expected to have the course if steroids at home like every time before. So, I was caught completely unprepared . Then, it seems like things just got worse from there. I honestly expected to walk out of rehab, at least using a walker. When the realization hit that it wasn't going to happen it was just devastating. All of my worst fears had come true. I was now completly dependent, my inependence gone. The positive side was that I received supurb medical care from the first encounter to the last. While rehab was no fun, it was exactly what I needed to do and where I needed to be. Now I'm trying to adjust. Adjusting to being in the chair full time. Adjusting to needing help with the simplest of tasks. I'm finding it's often the simplest things that cause the most frustration. Getting dressed, making something to eat, getting in and out of bed. The very things we all take for granted are now monumental feats that exhaust me. Then of course, I get frustrated with ME becasue what I used to be able to do in an hour now takes all morning and exhausts me. Being so tired of course makes the hearing issue worse, as if it wasn't bad enough on it's own. I have to concentrate so hard to understand people and read lips. When I'm over tired I can't do it. When all you can think about is a nap, focusing on a conversation is more than just a tad difficult. Oh, to go back to the days when a nap was a luxury and not a necessity!