Friday, May 15, 2009
Moving Forward.......trying anyway
I've been home from Rehab since Tuesday afternoon. The days have flown by in a fog of frustration, anger, exhaustion and relief. Frustration because even the simplest tasks now require forethought and planning. Anger because I CAN'T do everything for myself. Exhaustion because I simply don't have the stamina, yet my pea brain still insists on pushing, and relief. Relief that I'm home. Even though I returned a completely changed person in so many ways, I'm home. Home, my safe harbour. Home may not protect me from the curves MS insists on throwing at me, but home is my refuge from a world that looks at you very differently when your in a chair. At home I don't have to worry if my words don't come out right. (Mark will tell you he speaks fluent Kimberly). I don't have to worry about being embarrassed because I can't do something simple, like open a door without help. Here, I have animals that love me unconditionally no matter what shape I'm in physically and a husband who is nothing short of a saint when it comes to dealing with me. I wish everyone could have a partner like my husband. Someone who hates your disease as much as you do, and is fighting it just as hard as your are, right by your side. I don't know what the future hold for me regarding my MS. My personal journey with MS has been filled with steep hills and sharp curves. I've managed to dodge a few rock slides only to get swept down the mountain side by an avalanche of new MS symptoms. Looking back on my journey there are a few thing that really strike me. One of them is about people. There are actually very few of the people who started walking this journey in the beginning still hanging around. My immediate family is still there. I couldn't pry them away even if I wanted to (Thank God). Distant family members fell away as did some who I thought were good friends. I no longer attempt to make excuses for any of them. They just couldn't cut it and my life is better for the lack of their presence. I look around at the faces of those who are actively involved with my journey now and and most weren't there at the start of my journey. Some are walking their own journey with MS and we bolster one another up when one of us stumbles. Some, I swear are angels in human form, determined to help me get through this journey no matter what it takes. While MS has taken so much, it has also given me friends that I wouldn't have otherwise. THIS is what I try to concentrate on when things are tough (like now). When all I want to do is give up and just stay in bed, covers pulled up over my head. I wish I knew how all this ends up. All I can do is keep trying to move forward...or at least try anyway.