Friday, September 19, 2008
New MS phase...wheelchair
I didn't blog yesterday. I wasn't in the mindset to do do. I went to the Doctors yesterday after having multiple falls this week. My legs continue to get weaker. In a nutshell...I have now graduated to a wheelchair. It's amazing out our coping mechanisms kick in. I recall being very matter of fact about it in the doctors office. I completely understand the rationality and reasons behind it. I was actually quite rational about it. Even more so when my mom called last night and I explained it to her. (You can have everyone else freaking out and upset when internally I'M freaking out and upset). Actually, I wasn't freaking out and upset. My defense mechanisms had kicked in and I was just really at a loss. I didn't know WHAT I felt. I felt I was just losing the grasp of what was happening in my life. So, I grabbed onto my life line, Mark. My animals seemed to sense instinctively that something was wrong and rallied around. Maggie (my cat) has not left my side and Valor (my dog) will walk over the where I am sitting and "check on me" very frequently. One of my friends became tearful when I told her, another paused and said, "So what I love you anyway". I find I'm still numb about it and looking at it in almost a detached way. Going through the motions of getting insurance approval and meanwhile using the walker exclusively and spending the majority of my time sitting. (OK, so I can enjoy that part)! At least I will be able to get out of the chair and do things like use the bathroom and take a shower without being totally dependent on someone else. I'm also hopefully that this is TEMPORARY and the treatments will if not help heal damage, at least stop further progression. It's likely the defense mechanisms will remain fully in place until I actually receive the chair and sit my hind end in in. Then I'll really have to face it....until then I remain safely embraced by my defense mechanisms, and I fully intend to stay wrapped in them for as long as I can!