Saturday, August 09, 2008

Stopping to think.....and counting Blessings

Every now and then, when things get frustrating, it's time to re-evaluate. Treatments, plans, goals. Where you want to be and where you want to go. The journey I've had with MS this summer has brought a big change. I'm not talking about the obvious changes. The increased balance issues and walking challenges. I'm talking about ME changes. The one's that really count. CORE changes. I'm still optimistic (at least I sure try to be). I still try to always focus on the Blessings. However, my FEARS changed. I'm not longer absolutely terrified about becoming mobility "challenged". In fact, while it's not a pleasant thought. I really don't think I fear it at all now. My perspective has changed completely. I may not be able to get around as quickly, or even in the same manner as you, but I WILL be able to get around, so I'll STILL be mobile. SO that fear is now gone. The fear of losing mobility has been replaced with the fear of losing my "mind". I find I'm still a lot more forgetful than I ever was. Even on the Aricept. I have a difficult time dealing with the internal frustration I feel when I realize I can't remember something. Or I'm trying to explain something and I can't remember the right words. I find it especially frustrating when I'm trying to pull something from the far recesses on my mind that I KNOW I should KNOW. In fact, I Know I DO know....and I can't pull it forward. That's far worse that not finding the words....I can't find the thoughts. Previously I was someone who could remember an entire month's worth of meetings, times, locations, people to be involved. WITHOUT a planner. Now, I can't remember how old I am. (At least I can remember the year I was born and can do the math). I carry a planner everywhere, not for note taking like I used to, but to actually USE the calendar section. I find that frustrating. Now, making out a deposit slip is a challenge. Simply putting the numbers in the correct columns is a challenge. I KNOW where the numbers are supposed to go, and then put them in the wrong column. So, I try again until I get it right. I refuse to just hand the deposit slip to my husband to do. Stubborn? Maybe. I prefer to think of it as just being persistent. I KNOW how to do it, so I'll try it until I finally get it right. I've been on the Aricept for 2 months and I AM better than I was when I started it. Hopefully, I'll continue to improve. (At least I remember how to use my Blackberry now)! So, every improvement is a Blessing. The fear of mobility issues being removed is a HUGE Blessing. Of course, having a wonderful, supportive husband is the BIGGEST Blessing of all. It's all about perspective!

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