Saturday, August 30, 2008

It's OK

What a day this turned out to be. Woke this morning with a right hand that had a red hard lump at the IV site that had infiltrated during IV steroid treatment a few days ago. Just over the time it took to make breakfast my hand swelled significantly and I knew I had an big infection going on. Fortunately, my MD has Urgent office hours on Saturday's. So, at 9 hubby and I were in the office. By 9:30 they were freaking lancing my hand open in two places and taking cultures. Needless to say OWWWWWW?!?!?! Pain, along with major frustration, and I had a good cry when I got home with a bit of "I GIVE UP" thrown in for good measure. Now, 8 hours later two doses of Vicodin, antibiotics and some rest I have a better mindset. :) (I had no more emotional stability or control over my frustration level at 10 this morning than a 2 year old an hour past nap time. I know it, I own it and after all I've been through the last two months I EMBRACE IT!). Now, all that being said, geesh I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! Just when I was starting to feel better and come out of the steroid UGH, this happens. Now I'm on two different antibiotics and Vicodin for the pain. (I can not believe how fast my hand swelled up and how painful it got. Well, yes I can. After three rounds of steroids in 2 months I have no immune system to fight. So the bug took hold and ran with the opportunity. QUICKLY). A third antibiotic is on standby. Fortunately, with the exception of the pain in the hand I actually feel pretty good. (Although that could be the Vicodin typing). My mind is the clearest it's been in awhile. My legs are still pretty unpredictable and doing some spasming, and I have TWF (Train Wreck Fatigue) with the most minimal activity, but I FEEL good. Which is a HUGE thing. My biggest has been keeping my frustration level under control. It seems I've been whacked every time I turn around lately. I'm a big believer that it's the positive mindset that will get you through the challenges we face and I've really had to struggle to hold on to that. Not the belief, but the mindset. It's hard to be positive when it seems that at every turn there is yet another challenge waiting to be faced. It's hard to keep the "well" filled so you can keep going to meet the next challenge. I've really had to struggle with that this past week. I've managed, since May when my journey turned rough, to be positive. No matter what happened. However, this past week that all changed. Everything just became too much. Too hard. I had a really bad couple of days and then, today happened. However, it was GOOD that today happened. This evening I had an epiphany. I NEEDED the emotional release I got when my emotional stability was reduced to that of a two year old. I NEEDED to cry, to vent, to be angry at God for a bit. I needed to verbalize out loud that this ISN'T FAIR! That I hate MS, I hate what it's doing to me and I hate that it's changing my life. I needed to acknowledge that I'm ANGRY. I needed to get everything I was holding in being "strong" and let it spew out all across the floor. Then, I needed to look at everything that was lying there. The anger that was no longer pent up, the frustration that was no longer gnawing me from the inside, the pain that was beginning to paralyze me and the fear. When I looked at it I realized something. I realized that it was O.K. It was OK to be angry, OK to be frustrated and definitely OK to be afraid. I realized my REAL problem was that somehow I had convinced myself that I am only strong if I keep all those emotions at bay. Under strict control. As if they don't exist. So, I did. Until the energy of doing so drained ME of every ounce of reserve I had to fight and keep being positive in my journey. I was defeating myself. Phew. Boy am I glad my hand got infected! The bottom line. It's OK to be angry, it's OK to be frustrated and it's OK to be scared. What's NOT OK is to keep it all bottled up inside. I learned when I keep it bottled up I'm actually smothering my own ability to be positive. There's not enough room inside to hold anger, frustration, fear AND positivity. I choose positivity...everything else can just lay there on the floor.


Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to read about infection at IV site. I've never had that happen to me after a dose of IVSM, but have had it happen after a dose of IV antibiotics.

Very painful to say the least.

I hope you are doing well, and that you can wean off the vicodin soon. In the meantime, enjoy the benefits! LOL


Kay said...

Thanks, Kim for opening this subject. I have been doing the sme thing, not admitting how scared and lonely I am about facing chemo. Your comments and honesty have helped me. I wish you the best. Kay