Thursday, August 28, 2008
I wish I could say my frustration level is lower than it was this morning. Unfortunately, it's not. Of course feeling like cr*p doesn't help. I know that by Sunday, other than the weight, most of the worst of the steroid side effects will be gone. So, on a physical level I'll be better. I'm not so sure the frustration over my limitations and how bad this exacerbation has been will be. I think the bottom line is I'm scared. REALLY scared. I'm scared that this summer is the beginning of a downwards spiral in my Journey with MS. Previously, I've always been fairly lucky. Until last year, I'm managed with just a few small "flare-ups" that resolved and never left me with any residual symptoms. Last year I started to have exacerbation's that left me with "symptoms". (Isn't ironic we don't refer to the problems as "damage" but "symptoms"). I now have a left leg that works when it wants to...or not. My balance is so unreliable that I have to consciously think about taking that first step when I get up, heck even getting up requires concentration more often than not. These are all things I can and will deal with. The real issue for me right now is fear. I have to somehow find some perspective, some strength so the fear doesn't paralyze me. Letting the fear take over when dealing with any issue is what will do you in. I know that. Once you allow fear to take control, you've lost and you have allowed yourself to be defeated. WHICH I REFUSE TO DO. However, I'm also tired. Very tired. Of course, I have my faith and I turn to God knowing that He will take care of me. But right now, at his moment, I feel as though I'm alone in a deep forest and those trying to reach out and help are simply to far away. I can hear their calls of support and encouragement but ultimately I am alone. I alone am experiencing my Journey of MS. Everyone else is a supporter and spectator, although I can't imagine how painful it is for them to be unable to do more. I know my husband would take this on himself if he could. I am so glad he CAN'T. I have to fight this fear and find my strength alone. No one can do that for me and I will do it. I won't just do it for me though. I'll fight the fear that wants to take over for my husband, my family and my friends. I'll do it because it's through their love and support that God gives me the stregnth to keep walking this journey without giving up.