Thursday, June 04, 2009

Attitudes, Faith and Unnecessary Roughness

******I discuss God and faith in this blog. If you are offended by those topics don't read this post.******

I haven't posted in a few days for a few reasons (isn't that witty). First, my vision (near) sucks. My far vision is fine. Anything further away than about a 10 inches....clear as a bell with my glasses. Anything closer is so blurry it literally makes my eyes cross. Not a good thing. Crossed eyes cause nausea. Yuck. Needless to say typing is a challenge, hence one reason for the lapse in the blog. Thank goodness I see my opthomologist next week.

The second. My attitude. It too sucks. I learned years ago it's always better to be silent when your attitude sucks. Otherwise 1. You'll say something that will get yourself in trouble or 2. You'll say something that will offend/hurt someone. Then you have to grovel for forgiveness. With my current attitude, groveling isn't likely to occur anytime soon.

Why does my attitude suck? Because right now life does. It's been beating the hell out of me since last June and I'm battered and bloody. Like a boxer on the ropes trying to hang on but feeling his grips slipping. Unlike a boxer who at least is fighting someone in his weight class, MS clearly isn't in mine.

I have fought MS so hard this past year. I've done everything I was supposed to do, yet nothing made a difference. Not only have I fought MS, but I've fought deafness as well. A double whammy. Either of them individually would be a heck of a challenge. Together they are like Godzilla and I'm running, trying to stay one step ahead of them squishing me.

My husband is so incredibly supportive. Yet, even he can only support so long until his own well runs dry. Right now I think he could use a vacation from ME and all the challenges that come with me. Yet, he would be so offended if I even suggested it. So, I don't.

I have always been a woman of strong faith. I've always looked for the blessing in everything and focused on that when times are tough. My favorite chapter of the bible is Job. An unusual choice I know. Everyone says we should all have the "patience" of Job. Job wasn't patient, he was FAITHFUL. No matter what happened he never lost his faith. I've always strived to be that faithful. That no matter what life brought I always knew the one thing that I could cling to was my faith. That God was always there.

Now, I find myself tired, beat up and while still faithful I find myself asking the question, "When is enough....enough". When will I get a break? I haven't even had enough time between exacerbation's over the last year to process everything that's gone on. Going from dancing at your wedding to being wheelchair dependent in ONE year is a bit of a challenge I'd say. I'd think anyone would need a time out to process and adjust. MS hasn't allowed me that time.

I wish it was as simple as a referee throwing the yellow flag, calling a penalty against MS for unnecessary roughness and me calling for a time out with MS having no choice but to comply. (Does it show I'm a football fan)? Unfortunately, that's not going to happen.

I KNOW I am blessed in so many ways. I have a husband who is supportive, loving and absolutely steadfast. I have family and friends who's support is unending. I KNOW God is with me. So many people going through the exact same challenge don't have half of the support I do. Some don't have any at all. Some don't even have FAITH. As hard as I'm struggling on an emotional level right now, I couldn't imagine even trying to fight my deafness and MS without Faith. No way. But, when is enough .....enough?


*sparkle* said...

hello! just passing by and wanted you to know i read your blog and am saying a prayer for your faith and healing ~ we can never have enough of either! ;D

*sparkle* said...

hello! just passing by and wanted you to know i read your blog and am saying a prayer for your faith and healing ~ we can never have enough of either! ;D

Webster said...

When is enough, enough?

Glass half full, or half empty?

Both sound like zen koans to me.

P.S. I am SO glad *we* figured out the line break thing, esp. for long posts like this one!

Be well (so to speak).

Living Day to Day with Multiple Sclerosis said...

Hi Kimberly!
I hope I don't make this long but it seems you need some understanding right now. I know I can personally say that I have been where you are right now. I am sure there are many others too. However, Faith is basically all we have to get us through all of this and life in general. No, I don't go to church but I do believe in God and I do have faith in him. With that said, there have been many times that I have questioned it because what I/We go through. It's ok to question that and it is ok to be mad. I was very mad at this disease and for the first year and a half I never got a break. One day I was sleeping and woke up with a word blaring through my head. I woke up and I kept hearing that word over and over again. Finally I asked a friend of mine who was sleeping in the bed next to me (We were at a hotel - get away) and I woke her up and asked her what "Perseverance" meant and she explained it to me. The definition of it is:

Perseverance is demonstrated by those
who keep going when the going gets
tough, who never give up.

From that day on I knew that word was put in my head for a reason. I am now passing that word on to you. You can persevere!!!

Try to look at MS as "Baby Steps"!!! You will have many bad days and then you have 1 good day and then bad days and then 2 good days and so on. When you have your bad days. Be Mad! But when you have a good day or a good hour then enjoy it and let the anger go.

I am here for you!!!!

Blindbeard said...

Good point about Job. He always annoyed me, maybe because I could not take so much and remain so faithful. Or maybe because I have been struggling so much with my faith since all this MS crap moved in with me. I'm more like Jonah who boo hooed and laid down under the tree God provided, unable to see my blessings and only focused on my problems.

MS. ME said...

It does suck, but YOU don't!! And, when it sucks this bad then God has put others out there to remind you of just what a blessing YOU are!!!!! Keep fighting the good fight - I know I think of you when I'm feeling weak - your strength is amazing!!! But, I will send out "Enough" prayers for you!!!!!

Lucy said...

Hi there! It's so interesting that you say that Job is your favorite book in the bible, it's mine as well. I know it as the happiest of chapters when you compare it with lets say psalms or proverbs, but it gets me everytime. I try to be like Job and be faithful, he is a great example! God Bless you, i will keep you in my prayers! :)

Kayz said...

My favorite is the woman with an issue of blood who touched the hem of Jesus. She spent all her money, kept going to doctors and 'grew worse.' Sometimes I get upset that I started having health problems at 19 and have so many (PCOS, Hypothyroidism, Asthma, IBS, Insulin Resistance, tons of hormone probs and MS), but it's good to remember that faith and hope in God will get you through. =) Thanks for the post! <3 it! =)