Attitudes, Faith and Unnecessary Roughness

******I discuss God and faith in this blog. If you are offended by those topics don't read this post.******

I haven't posted in a few days for a few reasons (isn't that witty). First, my vision (near) sucks. My far vision is fine. Anything further away than about a 10 inches....clear as a bell with my glasses. Anything closer is so blurry it literally makes my eyes cross. Not a good thing. Crossed eyes cause nausea. Yuck. Needless to say typing is a challenge, hence one reason for the lapse in the blog. Thank goodness I see my opthomologist next week.

The second. My attitude. It too sucks. I learned years ago it's always better to be silent when your attitude sucks. Otherwise 1. You'll say something that will get yourself in trouble or 2. You'll say something that will offend/hurt someone. Then you have to grovel for forgiveness. With my current attitude, groveling isn't likely to occur anytime soon.

Why does my attitude suck? Because right now life does. It's been beating the hell out of me since last June and I'm battered and bloody. Like a boxer on the ropes trying to hang on but feeling his grips slipping. Unlike a boxer who at least is fighting someone in his weight class, MS clearly isn't in mine.

I have fought MS so hard this past year. I've done everything I was supposed to do, yet nothing made a difference. Not only have I fought MS, but I've fought deafness as well. A double whammy. Either of them individually would be a heck of a challenge. Together they are like Godzilla and I'm running, trying to stay one step ahead of them squishing me.


My husband is so incredibly supportive. Yet, even he can only support so long until his own well runs dry. Right now I think he could use a vacation from ME and all the challenges that come with me. Yet, he would be so offended if I even suggested it. So, I don't.

I have always been a woman of strong faith. I've always looked for the blessing in everything and focused on that when times are tough. My favorite chapter of the bible is Job. An unusual choice I know. Everyone says we should all have the "patience" of Job. Job wasn't patient, he was FAITHFUL. No matter what happened he never lost his faith. I've always strived to be that faithful. That no matter what life brought I always knew the one thing that I could cling to was my faith. That God was always there.

Now, I find myself tired, beat up and while still faithful I find myself asking the question, "When is enough....enough". When will I get a break? I haven't even had enough time between exacerbation's over the last year to process everything that's gone on. Going from dancing at your wedding to being wheelchair dependent in ONE year is a bit of a challenge I'd say. I'd think anyone would need a time out to process and adjust. MS hasn't allowed me that time.

I wish it was as simple as a referee throwing the yellow flag, calling a penalty against MS for unnecessary roughness and me calling for a time out with MS having no choice but to comply. (Does it show I'm a football fan)? Unfortunately, that's not going to happen.

I KNOW I am blessed in so many ways. I have a husband who is supportive, loving and absolutely steadfast. I have family and friends who's support is unending. I KNOW God is with me. So many people going through the exact same challenge don't have half of the support I do. Some don't have any at all. Some don't even have FAITH. As hard as I'm struggling on an emotional level right now, I couldn't imagine even trying to fight my deafness and MS without Faith. No way. But, when is enough .....enough?