Monday, February 02, 2009
Adapting, and more work to do
I have recently re-connected with several people I went to high school with. (I won't tell you what year I graduated). We are having our &* th reunion in 3 weeks. I made the decision I won't be going. I've told none of them about my MS or the wheelchair. In fact, the chair is the reason why I've decided not to go to the reunion. If I don't use the chair, I'll be walking like I started drinking 3 days before I got there, so that's not an option. What is it about wanting to hide the present from our past? Usually it's the other way around. We try to hide our past from our present. I mean really, I haven't kept in touch with most of them anyway, and those I have kept in touch with know about the MS etc. Why would I care what folks who I haven't seen or talked to in years think? Usually I wouldn't. Let's face it when you hit your &* reunion all the women are fat and the men bald, so who cares? However, for some reason the wheelchair is a sore point. I thought I had adapted and worked through all the issues that come with using the chair. Apparently I haven't. I've tried hard NOT to have to rely on it constantly and only use it when I have to. I haven't hid the fact I use a wheelchair from anyone else, so why would it bother me with old school mates? Somehow reunions reduce us to when we were 16 and wanting to fit in. Not striving to be "popular", simply striving not to be ostracized. I just don't want people feeling sorry for me. I hate the look of pity you see in people's eyes when they see you for the first time in the chair. The way some won't look directly at you. It's like suddenly you became a "non-person". In reality, the more I think about it the more I realize that this is a ME issue. I'm not through adapting. If I had really adapted and accepted I would have no problem rolling into that reunion. It seems I have more work to do on ME.