Missing my hubby

There are certain voids we all have in our lives that simply can't be filled. Not by staying busy, not by friends, not by jobs. Mark leaves such a void every week when he leaves. Doesn't matter how busy I try to stay (not that I can do much in the bloody chair. I still can't figure out how wheelchair companies get away with calling a chair that weighs 35 freaking pounds "lightweight". No one is a chair can lift that. Therefore, your housebound). My friends are absolutely wonderful. They focus on coming over when Mark is gone so I rarely spend an evening alone. I love them even more for that. However, there's still nothing like having Mark home. Even when he's in the other room watching whatever sporting event is on at the time, just knowing he's here makes me feel so much more secure. It has nothing to do with independence. I'm still independent, well as independent as the chair will allow me to be. It's about emotional security. The type you can only have in a loving stable relationship where you really are equal partners. Partners who put each other first. I miss my partner when he's gone. You'd think with him being gone 3 days every week I'd get used to it. Nope.

Taking Time to Stop to be ME

Sometimes we get so caught up in life that we forget to simply ......stop. We get caught up in the day to day duties of having a job, a family, simple responsibilities that really aren't all that simple. Add a few family issues, health issues or job issues and without realizing it, we are like a dog chasing our tail. Running in a circle. Trying to be everything to everyone. Devoting and giving so much of ourselves to everyone else that we loose sight of what's really important. For me, I haven't been caught up in trying to be everything to everyone, I've simply been trying to deal with the curves I've been thrown the past few months. Appointments, therapy, treatments and trying to adapt has taken all my time and energy. So much so, that I forgot to stop. Until today. I don't know what triggered it. Perhaps I simply had enough and my coping mechanisms put on the brakes. Or maybe I'm over the emotional hurdles of the past few months and I simply....... stopped. I stopped and smelled the rain in the air. I noticed how green the grass is and the slight cool crispness in the air. I realized that summer is gone and fall is here. In the business of simply trying to get through all my challenges, I missed the entire summer. Summer came and went and I missed it. I missed the summer flowers, the summer showers and long summer drives. Granted I had a legitimate reason, but I still should have taken the time to stop, and because I didn't I missed an entire season. So, from now on I will stop, everyday. I will take the time, even if it's just a moment, to close my eyes and savor the scents and sounds of fall while I give thanks that in spite of all the challenges that have been thrown at me, I'm still here and I'm still ME.

A near disaster and an "off" day

While attempting to get out of the recliner this evening, I of course, stumbled. While I was trying to grab anything to avoid yet another fall, I proceeded to knock my laptop off the table and onto the floor. Can anyone say OH SH*%!! Fortunately the laptop weathered my inability to stay upright. (THANK GOD). Tomorrow I see the insurance MD about the MS, the chair etc. Ought to be very interesting since he doesn't give a rats patootie about me. It's all about the insurance company. I'll blog tomorrow and let you all know how it goes. Today has been an "off day". I'm very tired and had a bout with TWF (train wreck fatigue). It's actually been several weeks since I experienced it. Personally, if I had a choice, I'd pass on it. 4 hour naps pretty well disrupt your entire day. Oh, and i just realized it's shot night. Perfect. Just Perfect. Better take it out of the fridge now while it's on my mind and pop the IBU. Of well, just another day with MS.

Pondering

I swear Tivo is the best invention since the automobile. I'm doing my treatments for the evening while I'm watching the premier of Hero's, which I the other night. I'm glad the fall season has started as watching the programs keeps my mind busy while I do my evening treatments. I don't watch many programs as i feel most of the stuff on TV is garbage. Ever since Sex and the City ended on HBO, little on TV has managed to keep my attention. I watch Hero's, Grey's Anatomy, Ugly Betty and Ghost Whisperer. That's about it. The great thing about Tivo is that I can watch my shows when I want to watch them. Stop them, and finish them over a period of time. Anyway, I digress from the topic of the evening.....pondering. Wondering what the future holds now that I've moved from the cane and walker into the chair phase. Fortunately, I still have the use of my legs. Although I'm falling on a daily basis. Including today when I try NOT to use the chair. My poor knees are scuffed up and rug burned from falling. Of course, the battle with the insurance companies has started and will take up most of my time and energy fighting them. Here's irony for you. They authorized the wheelchair, and denied the shower chair. Go figure. I think they have just given me a taste of the battles to come. So, not only do I have to do battle each day with MS, I now have to start preparing to do battle with the insurance companies. Great.

The call to blog.

I've realized that if i don't blog according to my usual pattern (daily) folks start worrying about me. So I figured I better get a quick one out to reassure everyone that I am alive and breathing and not curled up in a fetal position somewhere bemoaning the "chair". OK...so I may not be curled up in a fetal position, but I will admit to bemoaning the chair a bit. OK, maybe more than a bit. I kinda feel like the horse pictured above. I just want to lie down....for as long as I can. In reality I know I can't, so I'm getting used to maneuvering around in the chair. Fortunately I can stand, a bit wobbly, but I can stand none the less. Which makes it a lot easier than it could be. That's just me the eternal optimist....saying it could always be worse. On a positive note the machine is really helping with the pain. It's a lot better than it was. Sleeping still tends to be hit and miss, with more hits than misses, thank God. As far as the MS, well it pretty well sucks, but what is, IS. I try and focus on the good things in my life. If I sat around and just thought about the MS all day, I'd be a basket case, ready for a rubber room. There is so much needing to be done in the house, and right now I am little help. The electricians are coming tomorrow to put some additional plugs in the garage so Mark can start drywalling and putting up shelves. The next big priority is getting HIS office together. We'll be busy working on the inside of the house this fall and winter. We're still enjoying the front patio we had poured in June. Hopefully we'll be able to enjoy it for another month before the weather gets too cold and the snow starts.

Blessings

No, I'm definitely NOT going to count MS in the Blessings category today. In fact I'm not going to blog about MS in this blog entry. The purpose of this blog is to thank all the wonderful friends and family I have that support me and love me unconditionally. Especially my husband. They read my blog daily and then send me emails asking questions, offering support and their endless love. They don't comment publicly on the blog, they prefer to keep their comments private. One of the reasons I am able to keep from leaping into the abyss of depression that yells my name is because of them. They each seem to know instinctively when I'm wavering and one of them will email or call. Like my brother did this morning. His timing couldn't have been more perfect. (I will restate to him...wheelies are out). So this is a very public Thank you and I love you too to each of you.