Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Today My Blog Begins

I decided to start this blog as kind of a therapy for myself. I have been experiencing the worst MS exacerbation I've ever had. Actually ended up walking with a walker. Am now back to the cane, and trying to go without that when possible. Finished a round of IV steroid treatment 3 weeks ago, and am now about to begin another round due to vision problems with my right eye. In order to avoid sinking into the pit of black despair that has become more difficult to fight, I've decided to blog. I simply refuse to continue to throw the pity party for myself that has been beckoning.

Normally I have at least 6 months, if not longer between exacerbation's. Not this time. This exacerbation was precipitated by a fall and then a stressful event that foll0wed the next month. Usually the exacerbation's start with an increase with balance problems, muscle weakness with my hands and left lower extremity. Sometimes they are minor and resolve on their own. However, I know when the eyes start getting involved it's time to get to my MD. (I have a wonderful physician Thank God). The physical symptoms with this exacerbation are worse. This is also the first time that I had some pretty scary cognitive problems as well. The decision was made to make some changes to my medication. Add a new one, and go back on Rebif. I was on Rebif a few years ago but the side effects were pretty severe for me. BUT, the exacerbation's were a lot less frequent for me than they were on the Copaxone.

Now, facing another exacerbation so quickly after the previous one my level of frustration is pretty high. My sense of "self" is also being hit pretty hard. I feel like a complete burden right now. Not being able to work is emotionally devastating for me. Working is very much tied into my sense of independence and very much part of who I am. I know, I know....my family, friends and especially my husband DON'T feel I'm a burden. My husband would be the first to tell me that. I'm fully aware that it's an internal perception and very much part of the black pit of despair I'm battling. Yet, it's a very real feeling. However, like Scarlet said, "Tomorrow is another day". So, for today....I take one moment at a time. Try to focus on the positive and see what the day brings.

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