Saturday, January 23, 2010

Rantings of a madwomen

WHY, WHY, WHY is the statment that has been running through my head for the last week. I'm frustrated with my Neurologist who now wants to consult with UCLA before he decides what the hell he's going to do I wish he'd just make a freaking decision. This is the third office visit in a row where he's been indecisive.

Meanwhile our insurance copayments for our drugs doubled. When your on 7 different pills each day PLUS your injection it's expensive. I've tried to wean myself off some of the drugs, but I can't handle the symptoms they help mask. So now my co-pays are almost 250 a month just for the pills add another 30 for the injections and we're pretty close to 300 a month. I know, some pay more than that...but as this is all about me today....only what I pay matters. (See I'm ranting).

Then I wonder why I take all the medication, it's not going to make the MS go away or improve my balance. I took a facer today in fact. Landed literally face first. I'm lucky I didn't break my glasses or my nose but it looks like my chin is going to have a rug burn on it. Tomorrow I may find the humor in that.....but not today.

I want my life back. I want the Kimberly I was 2 years ago back. (Well maybe not all of her, just the good parts). I want my independence back. I want to hold a garage sale and sell off all of my DME...scooter, electric chair and two wheelchairs. Not to mention the shower chair. I don't want to have to use these things until I'm in my 90's. I want, I want, I want. I sound like a 9 year old don't I? 

I just want ME back. Sometimes I think I'm forgetting who I am because it's always about the MS. Every activity, every action is dependant upon the MS and how I feel becasue of it on any given day. So, today I feel frustrated. I want to go romp in the snow with my dog and husband , but, I can't. Why? Because the MS has made my balance very iffy today, so even with a cane I'd fall. I just can't imagine myself to playing in the snow in the chair, What the point of that?

So, I'll sign off now and have my pity party. I will only allow it to last this afternoon becasue I refuse to let MS beat me and crawling into be with my covers over my head works for one afternoon, after that, it's just giving up.


Herrad said...

Hi Kimberly,
I want my life back too can I join your pity party?
Keep warm.

Lisa Emrich said...

I'm so very sorry Kimberly!

I hope that the rug burn heals quickly and that your neurologist gets his act together. Must be very frustrating. I very much understand the wish to have "ME" back. Again, so sorry.